I cleaned all day today. It was kind of a painful experience but in the end my room is like…clean. You can see the fucking floor!

I feel violent today. Everything I did was so harsh, I felt like my hands were scissors and tongue and teeth were knives. I took red photos and thought about red things. Kind of a red day. I don’t know if I’ve ever said this out loud (or typed it?), but I hate sundays. I hate the way sunday feels. It’s all yellow and gray and it feels like 5-o-clock in the afternoon the whole fucking day. I just absolutely despise sundays.

Tomorrow I have an interview at American Apparel, which I’m nervous/excited for. Dana was kind enough to take me to it since no one else could, and we’re going to have girly fun and be happy recently single college-droputs together.

I wish I could find some way to feel happy. I start to feel like I’m evening out and then these bubbles of sadness just pop up out of fucking nowhere.

Time for more Daniel Johnston.

Lay your head where my heart used to be
Hold the earth above me
Lay down in the green grass
Remember when you loved me

Come closer don’t be shy
Stand beneath a rainy sky
The moon is over the rise
Think of me as a train goes by

Clear the thistles and brambles
Whistle ‘Didn’t He Ramble’
Now there’s a bubble of me
And it’s floating in thee

Stand in the shade of me
Things are now made of me
The weather vane will say…
It smells like rain today

God took the stars and he tossed ‘em
Can’t tell the birds from the blossoms
You’ll never be free of me
He’ll make a tree from me

Don’t say good bye to me
Describe the sky to me
And if the sky falls, mark my words
We’ll catch mocking birds

Lay your head where my heart used to be
Hold the earth above me
Lay down in the green grass
Remember when you loved me

Daniel Johnston and a light spring rain.

Interesting developments in the life of Ivy-Noelle. Why do these things always surprise me?

Today I feel like I’m in some sappy indie director’s masterpiece. Been watching the rain come down and listening to Owen. I think I’m going to see him in concert on sunday.  Feeling a little heartbroken and melancholy and enjoying wallowing in it, as usual. Maybe I should write something. Maybe I should write a song, haven’t done that in a while. I miss being musical.

More moping ahead, chugga chug!

I’m done.

DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE.

Fuck you, fuck you to hell.

I’m sick of being lied to.

this is going to suck

but be so good for me

but suck so bad

It’s 75 and sunny here today. Back home I hear they’re calling for snow. It’s weird being so disconnected.

Last night was slightly disappointing but made better by a sleepover at Ann’s. That girl is so amazing.  We talked about goofy futures (hers involved a goat named Willis, mine involved making pillows out of old band t-shirts). Then we slept really late today. Going to the mall later.

I’m sad I can’t be with my family for Easter. Even if we’re not big into religion, we still have some traditions that I feel really bummed to not be a part of this year. Apparently my brother has to work all day, too, so my poor mama is going to be all alone. Mom sent me a package full of treats, apparently, but thanks to the sucky mail service here I can’t get it til monday…boo!

Off to shower so I can wear a pretty dress today. La la la.

Evening went like this:

hungry

supper

crying

walking

painting

happy

yay!

I painted for about two hours with this wonderful little watercolour set I borrowed from Ann. I also played my guitar for a little while. It’s amazing how these things make me feel better so quickly.

Been listening to the Handsome Furs a lot recently. Check them out, they’re godly.

things that are dumb:

-homework

-group projects

-jerky toolshed people who will remained unamed but are still jerky

-the Guilford dining hall

-how my room always gets really really messy and I don’t feel like I’m being that messy

-bein’ lonely

things that are cool:

-watching silent films in English class

-Chesapeake/Meredith being my partners for the “food and drink of the 1920s” project

-fake blood

-lao tzu, but i still don’t feel like writing a paper about him.

Back at Guilford.

Look kids, here’s the straight skinny: I’m not doing well. Things are really bad in my braincase. I’m trying so hard, so fucking hard.

All you’ve heard me say is how much I hate school?

maybe you should think a little about why I might be saying it.