All the parts are the same
I cleaned all day today. It was kind of a painful experience but in the end my room is like…clean. You can see the fucking floor!
I feel violent today. Everything I did was so harsh, I felt like my hands were scissors and tongue and teeth were knives. I took red photos and thought about red things. Kind of a red day. I don’t know if I’ve ever said this out loud (or typed it?), but I hate sundays. I hate the way sunday feels. It’s all yellow and gray and it feels like 5-o-clock in the afternoon the whole fucking day. I just absolutely despise sundays.
Tomorrow I have an interview at American Apparel, which I’m nervous/excited for. Dana was kind enough to take me to it since no one else could, and we’re going to have girly fun and be happy recently single college-droputs together.
I wish I could find some way to feel happy. I start to feel like I’m evening out and then these bubbles of sadness just pop up out of fucking nowhere.
Time for more Daniel Johnston.
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Tom Waits, “Green Grass”
Lay your head where my heart used to be
Hold the earth above me
Lay down in the green grass
Remember when you loved me
Come closer don’t be shy
Stand beneath a rainy sky
The moon is over the rise
Think of me as a train goes by
Clear the thistles and brambles
Whistle ‘Didn’t He Ramble’
Now there’s a bubble of me
And it’s floating in thee
Stand in the shade of me
Things are now made of me
The weather vane will say…
It smells like rain today
God took the stars and he tossed ‘em
Can’t tell the birds from the blossoms
You’ll never be free of me
He’ll make a tree from me
Don’t say good bye to me
Describe the sky to me
And if the sky falls, mark my words
We’ll catch mocking birds
Lay your head where my heart used to be
Hold the earth above me
Lay down in the green grass
Remember when you loved me
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Interesting developments in the life of Ivy-Noelle. Why do these things always surprise me?
Today I feel like I’m in some sappy indie director’s masterpiece. Been watching the rain come down and listening to Owen. I think I’m going to see him in concert on sunday. Feeling a little heartbroken and melancholy and enjoying wallowing in it, as usual. Maybe I should write something. Maybe I should write a song, haven’t done that in a while. I miss being musical.
More moping ahead, chugga chug!
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Tags: music, owen, rain, sad
save your film
I’m done.
DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE.
Fuck you, fuck you to hell.
I’m sick of being lied to.
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this is going to suck
but be so good for me
but suck so bad
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I’d go through it all again
Evening went like this:
hungry
supper
crying
walking
painting
happy
yay!
I painted for about two hours with this wonderful little watercolour set I borrowed from Ann. I also played my guitar for a little while. It’s amazing how these things make me feel better so quickly.
Been listening to the Handsome Furs a lot recently. Check them out, they’re godly.
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Tags: art, feeling better, handsome furs, music, painting
her mind’s completely wrecked
things that are dumb:
-homework
-group projects
-jerky toolshed people who will remained unamed but are still jerky
-the Guilford dining hall
-how my room always gets really really messy and I don’t feel like I’m being that messy
-bein’ lonely
things that are cool:
-watching silent films in English class
-Chesapeake/Meredith being my partners for the “food and drink of the 1920s” project
-fake blood
-lao tzu, but i still don’t feel like writing a paper about him.
Filed under: college | 1 Comment
Tags: school
anywhere but here
Back at Guilford.
Look kids, here’s the straight skinny: I’m not doing well. Things are really bad in my braincase. I’m trying so hard, so fucking hard.
All you’ve heard me say is how much I hate school?
maybe you should think a little about why I might be saying it.
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Christ on a motorbike
Been working on a paper that I can’t really work on because I forgot all my sources at school.
Also, been filling out job applications. Applied to:
Terrain, Anthropologie, Urban Outfitters, Delia*s, American Apparel, Borders, Ritz Camera, and some other places I DON’T KNOW THEY ALL START TO LOOK THE SAME AFTER A WHILE.
Been listening to Dr. Dog a LOT. Finding “Die Die Die” to be particularly significant for some reason. God damn they are good.
It turns out cigarettes can kill you
’cause when you didn’t come back
every time that I thought of you
I smoked a whole pack
I was up to about seventeen packs a day
I was refueling too
about every hour or so
I drank a bottle of white mule
I wasn’t thinking about turquoise
I wasn’t thinking about gold
I wasn’t thinking about thinking
or about getting old
got to be so I didn’t care
if I was leaving or loving
oh, what I was
and what I was becoming
I don’t want to die in your arms
I just want to die
don’t want to die in you arms
I just want to die
Filed under: college, depression, music | 1 Comment
Tags: dr. dog, employment, papers
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